Should I drink another drink
See another light
I know that you may think
That I’m a broken little bird in my mind
Cause I’m falling on the floor
I’m climbing up the walls
And everytime I get a grip
I seem to lose myself just a little more.
- Medina, Welcome to Medina
well here i am- at school not doing work. i feel like i haven’t applied myself yet. i’m still looking for myself, i just… ugh.
but so far the weather has been nice :)
i like it when i sleep next to you and you cuddle me from behind. inside, there is a nice warm feeling that i can only get from you. inside, i feel comfort, i feel safe, i feel wanted. i like it when you play with my hair and massage my head like you do, when you pet your kitty. i like it when i’m next to you- feeling your heartbeat against mine.as you are sound asleep, i secretly massage you where i like it and secretly kiss you on the forehead and sometimes you smile. and when you smile it makes me smile. i like it when you call me baby savira, because it makes me feel special. i like it when you take me out on dates. i like to dress up and compliment each other. it’s funnier when we compliment each other without knowing. i like it when we stay home watching our favorite shows or gazing at pictures when you were in italy.
whenever i look into your eyes, you give me these butterflies.you always ask me, baby what are you thinking? you also tell me i have a cute nose and that i’m beautiful. i always tell you that you have beautiful eyes and tell you you’re so handsome, did you get it from your mama? but also in your eyes, i feel the pain that’s slowly healing. i wish that it could only heal faster but i ultimately on the inside am fragile. i know i may have a strong exterior, but you are the only one that can have the capability to penetrate my interior (yes pun intended) and that is one of the many gifts i can give you.
baby i don’t like it when you hurt me, i don’t ever want to feel that way. i don’t ever want to feel pushed away or unwanted.
and baby it’s not that easy to heal but sometimes the cuts are small but yet so deep.
but everytime you say sorry,
i always forgive you.
i’m crazy for you, i care about you, i cry sometimes before i sleep.
i have definitely learned alot from you and thank you for showing me a beautiful (almost 9 months) or (7 months) .
because i hope to one day fall in love in with you.
and here’s another entry.
i type here because i feel like i can vent and channel my emotions out. tumblr helps me calm me down - when no one wants to listen… when there’s no one to talk to.. when i can’t convey my thoughts in verbal words properly. tumblr is here. and it will always be here.
this happened yesterday and you know what i’m talking about.
how you decided to become an asshole. you specifically told me you had the intention, you were in the mood for it. you wanted to stir things up. you believe we’re not a real couple because we don’t have those petty little dramatic fights. you want to become close by having these fights. other then that sex seems like another option to you.
we both subconsciously agree that we’re not close to each other. and order for me to feel close to you, i need that effort. i need you to show me gestures that you actually care. you say all the time that i’m a great girlfriend and that i’m beautiful. but your actions don’t reflect it.
and to defend you you don’t feel close either. you believe that you’re the same just like my other guy friends. you don’t feel recognized as a boyfriend until we are physically intimate. and since i’m not giving it up to you, your only other option is to have these stupid fights to be closer.
actually, i don’t feel closer if we do have stupid fights. in fact i feel like you’re pushing me away. this isn’t the first time you’ve hurt me and clearly it’s not the last.
you feel amused to be an asshole and it’s funny how i react. you told me you don’t feel bad that you decided not to talk to me because i did not bring you chipotle.
i didn’t talk to you throughout the whole day and all i wanted was to have a nice conversation before you slept - you said your day was good, you just finished watching one of your favorite shows and you decided to slam the door in my face by telling me good night and that’s it…
and let’s say that i did bring you chipotle, i’m convinced you would act like an asshole randomly because you could be in the mood. which poses the question in my head ? what if he’s in the mood to abuse me [physically?] you obviously don’t care how i react, as long as your in the mood you find it amusing. this sounds lame but it sounds to me that you’re bullying me in this relationship.
the one person that could make me feel better with just a hug turns out to the person that has the capability to hurt me the most.
in the earlier entries, i was angry, frustrated, and upset and i had the right to be.
don’t waste my time and i won’t waste yours.
i see the progress. i see the effort. i see you want to change for better.
i believe in you. i have faith in you. i trust you. i will work with you. relationships are not easy but i’m willing to take the risk with you.
because i want [to love] you [hopefully one day].
you hold a part of me that i’ve kept for so long - so fragile , so easily ricocheted.
please take care of my heart. because sometimes i feel like you just leave it on the floor, sitting there beating all alone. you may not realize it, but it does hurt.
i accept for who you are - no matter how hard it may be and sometimes things are unfair for me. but i try not to let that phase me. i always forgive you everytime you ask.
but alas, i may be flawed as well. i try to be the best girlfriend i could be with you. sometimes i feel like i’m never good enough for you but i always try to please you in every way. if there’s anything you want to criticize me about, please don’t be afraid to tell me…
don’t worry, we’ll work together.
it’s been 8 months baby - thank you for showing me your appreciation, taking me out on dates, listening to me. thank you for working with my crankyness, my sensitivityness, my weirdness, my sadness, my loudness. thank you for being such a great boyfriend<3
please don’t let me down.
just alot running through my mind. things i haven’t really even considered about as of yet.
yes i know you’re frustrated. yes i know you have cravings. yes i’m human too. i get those cravings too.
my body tells me it wants it but my heart tells me it’s not ready yet. please don’t pressure me. please don’t force me. i want to share those experiences with you, please believe me i really do.
we both subconsciously agree that we’re not close enough to each other… but for me to do so, i need to feel close to you. please don’t half ass the effort, please make time for me and only for me, i need that “us” time with you …
but why is that it only frustrates you because your boys can brag about getting p**** every night , new booties and new girls? and you’re not satisfied cause you actually have a girlfriend and you’re not getting any ?
can your boys brag about how they have a beautiful girl
that cares about him ?
that trusts him & is honest with him ?
that cares about not only about the relationship but family and school?
that lets him hang out with his friends? that he could go out to parties and strip clubs?
that wants to be a part of his life?
that thinks about you at night before she goes to sleep ?
NO THE ONLY THING YOUR FRIENDS CAN BRAG ABOUT IS JUST GETTING P**** THEY ONLY USE GIRLS AS OBJECTS AND THEY DON’T ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT GIRLS.
i told you, i’m not like any other girls out there…
you need to realize how good you have it man.
well maybe if we hadn’t set a certain day to see each other, would you still invite me to hang out?
would you still go out to places with me?
would you take the incentive and initiative to do so?
would you be too busy for me in the fall semester?
would you be there if i needed someone at 3 am?
i want you to do your thing, hang out with your friends, go out to places. as it is already it’s hard for you to talk on the phone. i just feel like it’s a task and you only call because i asked you to do (i admit that) so not because you want to. in fact you hardly want to do anything sometimes but i understand - i catch you during times when you want to rest, when you just want to chill.
sometimes i wish we could just go on an adventure, not because of family or that dexter failed to load. but because for us, because you want to.
i just feel like you don’t have enough of an incentive for ‘us.’ once you already “bagged” me, you’ve gotten lazy and i pointed that out. and you agreed. and yet i still feel like nothing has really improved.
i try to be the best i can be. i really do.
i’m sad that we haven’t gone to the beach cause everyone else has cute couple pictures…
sometimes i realize i’m just a hopeless romantic and i view things alot differently then most girls, but that’s how i am and that’s what you’ve chosen to accept me for.
you have reassured me that we’ll do more things during the fall semester, i hope so.. because for some reason i want to believe you, but i don’t.
but with those thoughts aside, i”m happy and blessed to be with you.
i wrote something but i deleted it…
why, why is that i can’t be assertive and apply myself? maybe it’s the lack of care, the lost of hope?
where is my motivation and inspiration? i need you…
rebecca stayed over and we were chilling most of the day. we played water pong with the parentalls and they were actually not that bad… and we finally got the firepit and used the firepit for the second time :O but this time it was all the way in the backyard!
today was the day rebecca came over,
i picked her up at dunkin donuts and i was excited to see her :).
i told myself that once i turn twenty i’m going to work on this project- grow and improve but also not afraid to be make mistakes but to learn from them and progress.
it’s june 27th 2011 - and i’ve avoided teenage pregnancy! haha. so today i was basically chilling . went to work and got to hang out with one of my besties miss lauren carnathan. we had our dinner date in chipotleee and ended my night to hear zach’s sweet voice before i hit the bed :)
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